Oh my god things might actually work out.

The last month has been a hell of a rollercoaster and I've reached some majorly low lows, but I'm back with determination.

I hadn't seen or spoken with anyone for weeks, resulting in feeling like the bottom had dropped out of my support and everything was going to fuck up. It got to the point where I was questioning my own existence far too much and feeling pretty damn finite. There were so many cancellations and rearranged appointments that I thought I was just a waste of time in the system and everyone would be pretty much better off if I wasn't around and complicating things.

That said - I see a glimmer in the distance.

This morning I had my assessment for Adult Services. I have to say it was the most daunting thing I've done considering I had my assessor, an 'observer' and my psych (who came for support) all in the same room listening to me talking about how I can't deal with life on my own. I don't do talking about myself in great length to one person, let alone three.
That said, after the usual intrusive brutal question and answer session, they came to the conclusion that yes - I'm suffering depression pretty badly, and yes - it would be wise for me to start on some anti-depressants pretty sharpish.
Pills that work this time, rather than placebos.
Despite feeling like an animal in a zoo, I was really appreciative of my psych being there as I've totally come to trust him over the last few months. He managed to say what I couldn't really pinpoint, therefore I will be seeing the right people and hopefully heading in the right direction in future.

One thing he did say was this: "Laura's weight has stabalized over the past few weeks."

That's right ladies and gents. I'm not losing and I'm not underweight. I'm not gaining, but I'm not on the road to emaciation either. They're gunna keep tabs on me of course, but with the tablets hopefully lifting my mood, I should be less likely to relapse and more likely to come to terms with myself and changes in my body.

Things could affect me in the future which might cause me to slip up, but who knows. It's just good to feel once again that at least someone there is looking out for me. I know my family and friends all worry and all want to be there when life feels too difficult, but it's unfair to land this shit on them when they've most probably got a good pile of their own to deal with.

I've spent weeks and weeks with this awful feeling rattling around my head, thinking that all I'm doing is just killing myself slowly - but I'm not.



I'm going to get better.




(ironically, this has actually made me feel pretty good in itself. Maybe it's an omen.)